MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – Rather than face the abject horror of a Trump presidency, many affluent liberals are choosing to leave. No, they haven’t applied for Canadian citizenship. They’ve chosen to leave this universe in favor of parallel dimensions in which their secular humanist values have gained ascendancy in those universes’ alternate versions of the USA.
“We’re proud to announce a historic breakthrough in trans-dimensional travel, namely, that such travel is now possible,” said Dr. Scott Luftovsky, lead engineer on the Bright Mirror Project (BMP). “We have invented a system that allows for the safe passage of human beings between universes. This is the dawn of a bright new era in inter-universe exploration.”
The project began in 2005, when many rich liberals, despondent after George W. Bush’s reelection, wanted to escape the situation without leaving the country. Thanks to a generous contribution from the Chubb Group, the BMP was born.
After laboring in secret for eleven years, the team found success this summer. A battery of beta testing consumed the past several months. The project’s financial backers decided this was the time to go public after receiving the go-ahead from the engineers.
Many leading progressives expressed great enthusiasm for the breakthrough, with one notable exception.
“As much as I’d like to see a world where I won, I think it would be too painful right now,” said Hillary Clinton, the recently defeated Democratic nominee for president. “I might try it in a few weeks. Right now all I want to do is throw on some sweat pants, grab a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and watch Gilmore Girls.”
The BMP module has traveled to many universes, but only a few of these will be available to customers. The Sphinx Corporation, which will run the service, has developed a full complement of excursion options, each available at a different price point. Most trips include pre-travel orientation and universe-appropriate clothing to prevent detection by natives.
For frugal adventurers, there’s the Economy package, which offers an all-expenses-paid trip to the universe in which Hillary Clinton won the 2016 election. Because this universe is so similar to our own, it requires less energy to cross the inter-dimensional rift, and no orientation or new clothing is needed.
For a little more money, Sphinx offers Economy Plus, a world in which Bernie Sanders won the election. This one’s for the true liberal connoisseur, offering a president-elect with a true social democratic agenda.
The next level is Deluxe, which transports progressives to a timeline in which Al Gore won the 2000 election. Luxuriate in the civil liberties of a world where 9/11 never happened, Iraq was never invaded and the entire economy runs on renewable energy.
But don’t put away that checkbook just yet! We’ve still got four more packages to go!
The Premium option will send you to a world in which Jimmy Carter won the ’80 election and set the country on a path toward true sustainability. Kick up your heels as you bask in the cool, clear waters of Lake Erie. Or indulge in a bit of schadenfreude by voiding your bowels on Ronald Reagan’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
At the Gold level, you can enjoy a world in which McGovern won the ’72 election and immediately pulled the troops out of Vietnam. Let your inner tree-hugger run free through the dappled shade of Three Mile Island or visit the beautiful, un-blown-up Middle East, openly as an American without fear of kidnapping and torture.
The Platinum package offers the ultimate in liberal wish-fulfillment. In this universe, FDR acquired immortality through an elixir developed by Jonas Salk and continues to serve as President-for-Ever. It’s literally a wonderland of progressive delights! Where will you begin? How about taking a bullet train from the original Penn Station to Boston in a half-hour? You could listen to one of Professor John Kerry’s free public lectures on the Common, or tour the magnificent campus of JFK University (formerly Boston College). The possibilities are endless!
At the top of the list is Titanium, passage to a steampunk universe in which steam remains the dominant means of propulsion and Nikola Tesla bested Thomas Edison in the battle to determine the principle methods of electricity generation and distribution. This option is not explicitly political, but it does seem to appeal to many liberals and hipsters.
Of course, not everyone has been pleased by this quantum leap in quantum-leaping. People of color and the working class are particularly nonplussed by the idea of rich people escaping the current political climate.
“I’m really not crazy about this whole idea of people just going to a different universe because they don’t like what’s happening in this one,” said local welder, Ruben Starks. “But I’m not surprised. It’s pretty much par-for-the-course for those so-called ‘liberals.’ When the going gets tough, they get going.”