by Donald Trump

A lotta people are saying I’m gonna lose this election, and that’s OK. Let ‘em say what they want. We’ll just see how it all plays out and who’s left standing at the end. I’ve got a feeling it’s gonna be me. But if it’s not, I know one person whose fault it won’t be: mine.

Winners win. Only losers lose. Losing just isn’t in me. Winning is in my blood. It’s what I’m all about. I don’t accept losing, and I don’t accept losers. I don’t wanna be around ‘em. That’s why I surround myself with winners.

How could losing be my fault? Nah, it doesn’t make any sense. It just doesn’t jibe with reality. I’ve won all my life. First, I won the cosmic lottery by having a billionaire for a father. Even God is on my side. That’s why He gave me all that money, because He knew I’d do something with it.

I inherited my dad’s billions, and I’ve been on a hot streak ever since. I’ve never gone bankrupt (despite what you might’ve heard in the press or what I like to call the “lame-stream media”). Only a few of my businesses have.

Me lose as a result of my own actions? Nah, it just doesn’t add up.

Now if you wanna look for where to lay the blame, I can give you a few ideas. Let’s start with the media. That’s always a good bet. They’ve always got an axe to grind. They’re owned by all these big businesses, and they don’t wanna see a truth-teller like me mess up their bottom line. They just wanna keep taking advantage of a rigged economy and tell everybody that everything’s just fine. So that’s Culprit #1.

Culprit #2 is the Establishment, those guys in the smoke-filled back rooms of both parties, making the deals that decide our lives. They’ve had it in for me from Day 1. Don’t think I won’t remember it. If I do lose this thing, they won’t be welcome at any of my businesses anymore. They’ll be cut off. I’m not gonna put up with that kind of treatment.

Finally, the #1 suspect in this whole investigation is you, America. C’mon, let’s be honest. You’ve really let yourselves go, just sittin’ on the couch, eatin’ cheese doodles and watchin’ TV. You’re disgusting. I don’t even wanna look at you. If I lose this election, it’s your own damn fault.

Ya know what? You don’t even deserve a president like me. I’m too good for you people. Even if I’m elected, I’m not even sure if I’ll serve. Maybe if you guys pull yourselves together, drop a few pounds, have a little work done, then I’ll think about it.

But until then, you’re on notice, America. You’ve gotten old, fat and lazy. Unless you can turn it around, I might have to find a new country, one that’s young, tight and hungry for success.