WASHINGTON, D.C. – Reflecting the widening gap between official government statistics and reality, the Department of Labor announced they will start releasing their unemployment numbers on the final Opposite Day of each quarter. The department is taking this step to avoid any confusion among the public as to whether these figures are valid.
“At this point, the numbers are only meant to prop up the economy and the whole façade of normalcy we’re trying to maintain,” Secretary of Labor Thomas Perez told reporters. “No one with a shred of intelligence should be taking them seriously anymore. These books have been cooked for decades. We just assumed everybody knew.”
Global financial markets had no reaction to the news, since high finance long ago decoupled from the real economy.
Many other government agencies are considering the same approach. The military may begin releasing reports on the Global War on Ter- excuse me, the Global Police Action on Extremism, on Opposite Days.